| Conversations With Dead People |
[Jun. 3rd, 2005|01:10 pm] |
The first one really freaked me out. For one thing, I had no idea I wasn't really speaking to Dot. It wasn't until later when Dot showed up and disavowed any knowledge of the conversation that I finally worked out that I had actually been speaking with the First. Dot was, of course, clinically dead briefly in 1998 (which, I now know, is what caused the Slayer line to pass to Faith), which is what allowed the First to assume her form.
Anyway, in retrospect it is stunning and more than a little demoralizing to realize how perfectly the Worst struck at my weak spot. During the actual conversation I just sort of reflexively parried every verbal assault, mainly because my mind couldn't quite come to grips with what Dot (or so I thought) was saying, but deep-down I was shattered. I had, and have had for some time, this huge tangle of conflicted emotions about Dot, the baby, saving the world, saving ourselves, etc. For example, with every day that passes my worries about Dot's safety become harder to control. I have to fight the urge to ask her to be more careful. It's crazy, right? Slayer = tough to kill. I get that. But that doesn't stop the feeling of panic I get every time she's in danger.
So, yeah, that one got to me in a major way, no question about it. It was the second encounter, though, that really has me thinking now. Oh sure, at the time, I just kind of shrugged it off: by that time I knew who/what I was really dealing with, and, truth be told, I honestly didn't feel all that guilty about incinerating those two Evil Minions. I mean, come on: there were five trained assassins who were in the process of murdering Uma and Kat. (And, I might add, they were using the outward trappings of Christianity to mask their evil intentions: how totally unprecedented -- not!) What was I supposed to do, ask them nicely to please stop pumping bullets into my friend?
I mean, if you were going to sit down and design a situation in which I would not feel particularly bad about killing people, it would be pretty hard to come up with something better than protecting an innocent college student and her faithful hound from five evil gun-wielding fundies.
But then I started thinking, yeah, you know what? It would be tough to design a better situation to make me feel okay about killing. Put another way, this could have been the perfect setup to get me comfortable with the idea to taking human life. I mean, it's always easier the next time, right? Now, I'm not saying the entire plot was designed with this outcome in mind but, based on the way the previous conversation (with pseudo-Dot) went, it certainly does not seem beyond the realm of possibility that the First was cunning enough to have forseen and planned on this eventuality. And, even if it isn't immediately obvious to me what short-term advantage it is going to gain from this -- I am unlikely to go over to the Dark Side and start murdering innocents all willy-nilly, for example -- at the very least I am going to be occupied with these very doubts and might very well a little gun-shy for the forseeable future.
Sigh, as usual, no answers, only doubts and questions. I just hope I can pull it together in time to be of some use in the seemingly inevitable and ever-more-rapidly approaching showdown with Evil. |
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